Funny Wedding Quotes
Most married people love a good, funny quip about their spouses. Not one married man can resist a juicy dig at his wife and yes, it also works the other way round, as the wife can also retort with some seriously good stuff! So from funny wedding crashers quotes to funny wedding anniversary quotes, from wedding vows to wedding rings… here are some humorous wedding quotes guaranteed to have you in splits!
Funny Quotes
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
- H.L. Mencken
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.
- Jean Kerr
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
- George Burns
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
- Joey Adams
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.
- Beverly Nichols
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Marie Corelli
I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
- Walter Matthau
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.
- Joey Adams
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
- Anonymous
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
- Helen Rowland
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
- Carrie Snow
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
- Joey Adams
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
- Helen Rowland
Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.
- Judith Viorst
